 "That it will never come again is what makes life so sweet." — Emily Dickinson
So many aphorisms--tomorrow is not promised, we always think we have time, nothing lasts forever. It’s in the moments when these words come alive that we feel the full weight of their truth. When life splits into before and after—a diagnosis, an accident, a catastrophe, an ending. In those instants, time and breath seem to stop. Every detail imprints itself on us, seared into our minds by the sharp edge of reality. It is the pause between what was and what will be. The space where we realize—there is no going back. Life has changed irrevocably. And then it begins—the mind races, scrambling for a way out, to undo, to go back, to make it not real. A million dead-end solutions play out in our panicked thoughts—practical, fantastical—grasping at something, anything, as the ground beneath us disappears. Anger, fear, disbelief. We are caught in a maelstrom of emotions—that, pit-in-the-stomach, moment when reality forces itself into our consciousness. Regrets bombard us—every declined invitation, every sunrise we slept through, every moment we let slip by without truly living it. They all pile up—missed opportunities, unlived experiences, echoes of what could have been. Even as we mourn the memories that will never be, our mind fights to hold on, to remember—the sound of a voice, the smell of perfume, the softness of the fur beneath our hands, the way it felt to run wild in the wind. And then come the questions—Why? Why me? Why not me? Why now? Why, why, why... But answers don’t come. And life is never the same. The impermanence of it all. What is, what was, what might have been. Yet, even in this space of sadness and loss, something stirs—beginnings. A newness. Things yet to be. This is where life lives-in the going on. But if we refuse to let the book close, if we cling to the last page, we snuff out any possibility of joy that could have been. We pile more lost moments into the graveyard of regret. What we didn’t want to end has already ended. What we didn’t want to happen has happened. Yet we prolong the suffering, feebly trying to apply a bandage over a wound too deep to be covered. A futile attempt to shield ourselves from the harshness of reality. We don’t know how to move on. We refuse to give ourselves permission to move on. We ask—how do we walk forward when our vision of the future has been shattered? When we can’t picture joy ahead, when we are cloaked in darkness, the idea of light feels like a betrayal. And when, for a fleeting moment, light dares to shine—and our spirit stirs in response-- We smother it. We find it unthinkable that our life will somehow go on. That new memories are waiting for us, and that we might even smile again. If we dare to live. (read a variation on Medium)
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 We live much of our lives on autopilot, and time moves so quickly that it’s easy to let the years slip by without truly noticing how we’ve grown or where we’ve gotten stuck. A year-end review gives us the opportunity to pause and reflect, bringing awareness to the progress we've made, the challenges we've faced, and the accomplishments we might have forgotten. It’s a chance to celebrate growth, identify areas for improvement, and set meaningful intentions for the future. The template below can help you to gain some insight. You can use it as a journaling exercise or discuss it with someone close to you for added perspective. There is no right or wrong way to work on it - think about and answer all the questions or pick and choose. It's all up to you and it's all for your benefit. Year-End Review: Major Life Areas1. Personal Growth
 trying to make sense out of impermanence, out of love and loss…my words don’t express the depth of it…
we stay in our comfort zone afraid that if we step out even a little the whole façade will topple and fall….we live with blinders on for fear that seeing the whole of what is will be so overwhelming we will never stop screaming…we don’t think about death or discuss it, instead we avert our eyes hoping to avoid attention and therefore be spared…until...until it all comes crashing down…our neat, tidy little existence is shaken to the core by loss – a death, an illness, a catastrophe…we wrap ourselves in distractions, in platitudes that hold no meaning all while desperately searching for our psychic protections…longing for the balm of numbness that denial and unconsciousness bring, seeking to lose our pain and fear in brief moments of forgetting….  Three years ago, the COVID-19 pandemic turned our world upside down. I vividly remember the phone call from my employer announcing the cancellation of all classes and activities. It was one of those kind of earth shattering moments that etches its way into your mind. In an instant, my income was stripped away, and like many others, I found myself in a frightening situation, wondering how I would manage.
I did a lot of walking during this time, trying to stay active and find peace. This became more and more challenging as new closings of parks, beaches and trails were announced. Sadly, even these places, where people often find peace and wellbeing, were closed off. We were shutting down nature and it felt like the world had gone mad. And while officials acted to prioritize our “safety” I believe they were viewing the situation through a narrow lens and missing the big picture. The ramifications of confining individuals to their homes, depriving them of fresh air and nature, banning social interaction, and destabilizing their income, all while selling them fear 24/7 are now being felt. We are living with mass homelessness, food and supply shortages, crazy inflation, large corporations flourishing while small businesses fail, and increased mental and physical health issues. The pandemic also robbed us of opportunities to create cherished memories with friends and family and even denied some, those last precious moments with their loved ones, who died alone or with strangers instead of in the company of those who loved them. The pandemic greatly exacerbated the culture of fear and divisiveness which can be witnessed in things like school meetings that erupt over issues of vaccinations, mask-wearing, remote education, and social distancing and in the widening gap between those who offer to willingly trade freedom for safety and the opposing group that views freedom as paramount. Whether protection is sought by wearing a mask on the face, stockpiling supplies, or carrying a gun – the message is the same, we are afraid. We now live in a world where censorship, book banning, social media post removal and deactivation of accounts have become accepted means of suppressing information that goes against what is touted as the "truth". Groups that fought for sovereignty over our bodies and the right to refuse treatments and vaccines now advocate against the reproductive rights of women, while the opposing groups are in direct disagreement. Polarization is at an all time high while tolerance is vanishing. And what of the children, who lost the benefits of childhood social interaction and missed out on group activities and milestone events such as proms and graduations. Some were trapped in homes where abuse was prevalent, and others were subjected to neglect and lack of adequate food and nutrition. The learning gap between those children who had access to needed equipment, services and support and those that didn’t widened. And as we know, children are shaped by their environment, and many continue to feel the myriad effects of living with adults who were experiencing extreme stress. We are now seeing the prevalence of suicide and mental illness amongst our youth reaching an all-time high. As I write I realize what began as a short note in a group email grew into much more. I think realizing it was the three year anniversary came with a need for introspection, examination and healing. While I was fortunate to reap some benefits from the pandemic, I, like others also suffered losses such as: my sense of security, my feeling of solidity, my trust in people and in society, long-time friendships, and some of my dreams. I’ve become less patient and quicker to anger. I find it more challenging to make plans for the future, I experience moments of profound sadness, and it is harder to allow myself to be vulnerable and instead opt for protection mode. But it is the challenging times that uncover the places in which we are stuck and need to grow. And on the upside, the pandemic gave me a longed-for sanctuary and creative space, and the time to pursue new endeavors and learn new skills. Additionally, I gained confidence and developed more courage and independence. And I was fortunate to be the beneficiary of many acts of generosity and kindness that rekindle my spirit just by remembering them. It’s a wild, exciting, terrifying time to be alive. We are witnessing the collapse of old antiquated systems that weren’t built to serve us equally and justly, all while experiencing the great power of our planet which is changing landscapes and lives. We are in the discomfort of chaos, it all looks and feels out of control, but what if on the other side is a new way of being, a rebirth so grand that it is beyond the ability of our five senses to conceive. What if...  Recently I saw the Matrix Resurrections, the first one was a favorite of mine, so I was excited to see a new sequel. What I like about the series is that it wakes me up, it “unplugs” me for a little while by making me aware of the 24/7 programming that is being cast upon us. We are living in a time where “the powers that be”, the governments, the media, the big conglomerates are doing their best to instill fear, incite hatred and increase polarization, thereby keeping us separated and warring amongst ourselves.
The message of this newest episode was clear, it was about the power of connection – showing that when we unite with each other we gain true power, we create an energy that is greater than the sum of its parts. By joining with others with the intention of spreading love, kindness, and compassion we access a magic capable of transforming the world. We each have a choice to make – we can choose unity and paint the sky with rainbows or continue buying into the hate and separateness and watch the world burn.  This morning I was in a store getting coffee and I overheard a man asking a young woman if she had gotten her "jabs" and she said no because they kill horseshoe crabs for some of the ingredients for the vaccines. And all I could think was compassion is what will carry us to the other side, and for the second time this week I was given hope. Read my previous blog for the first hope bringing encounter.
 Earlier this evening I planned to attend a fitness class but once there found it had been cancelled. I then headed to the gym but when I went to change into my sneakers I found that a gallon of water had leaked and saturated one of the shoes – I was already cold and the thought of putting on a sopping wet shoe was more that I was willing to do (yeah I know suck it up and stop being a baby). Next stop was to pick up a few things from the store, which thankfully was successful and then to make a return at another store. The second store was crowded so I decided it could wait until tomorrow. You may be wondering why I wrote about the class, the gym and the errands. I did so to show that while incidents may seem random and unconnected, the universe brings us to the exact place we need to be in any given moment - to meet who we are destined to meet, to learn what we need to learn and to experience that which we need to experience. As I drove out of the parking lot I saw a woman sitting with a blanket around her shoulders and her belongings next to her. I continued to drive but the image stayed with me, and so I circled back around to see if perhaps she wasn’t loaded down with bags from a shopping spree and waiting for her ride. But unfortunately, that was not the case. I went up to her and said hello and asked if she was okay, I thought maybe I could buy her a hot coffee or a meal, but she said she was waiting for someone to pick her up, and because the night was classified as a code blue (temps below freezing), she would be taken to a warming station. She added that it wasn’t exactly where she had planned to be at age 67 but was hopeful that she could turn her situation around. I gave her the money I would have spent on the fitness class and wished her all the best, all the while feeling totally inadequate. My heart was breaking for this stranger who grew up in the same decade as myself and I knew that her current situation could easily be mine. As I wished her well she shared her beautiful smile with me and her brave hope for the future. I got back into my warm car and headed home, feeling a rush of gratitude for all the good fortune in my life. No longer taking for granted the fact that I have heat, hot water, a bed, privacy, a stocked refrigerator and freezer, an oven, stove and microwave, television and internet, a bathroom and shower, a computer, plenty of clothes, a washer and dryer, a door that locks and so much more. This month I have been offering a group meditation challenge and I knew that the meditation I would share for tomorrow would be Tonglen meditation. Tonglen is a method to overcome our fear of suffering and to open our hearts in compassion for our own suffering and that of other sentient beings. Let's acknowledge the suffering that is inherent in life and do our part to lessen it. When one of us suffers, we all suffer. A big shout out and thank you to The Branches Center of Rio Grande for all the love and kindness they share with our community.  Although 2021 may not have been the year you dreamed of I hope you carry some fond memories of moments filled with laughter and love into the new year.
Whatever you are longing for in 2022 its creation starts with you. Don't wait for things to be better, for the old ways to return or for the moment to be perfect. Life is happening now. Live it. I truly believe there is a world up ahead that is filled with brightness, but we can only get there when we drop the hatred, judging, fear and separation. Kindness, compassion, and love will open our hearts and when our hearts are open, other hearts will recognize us and respond in kind. I wish you a beautiful year ahead, one where your dreams come true, but if by chance they don't, one in which you are resilient and resourceful enough to create new ones. “We call it ‘dolce far niente.’ It means ‘the sweetness of doing nothing.’” – Giovanni in Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert  Nowadays it’s all about the grind. It’s a badge of honor to work 80+ hours a week, to 10x your business, productivity, money, and growth.
Working hard, especially at something you love can be practical, healthy, and rewarding, but athletes will tell you that recovery time is just as important. Take time to rest, to introspect, to connect with nature and to feed your soul. Time to take another vacation from my excuses. Tim Ferris  I don’t have the time, the talent, the money, the support, the education, and blah blah blah -all excuses that keep you from reaching your goals. Don’t let resistance and fear steal your dreams.
What is one small step you can take TODAY that will bring you closer to achieving your goals? Take action now. |
AuthorCatherine Cashmere is a newbie blogger, working on transforming her own life and hoping to shine light for others. 
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